Fuck You Cee Lo Green, Justin Bieber, Midterms & Snooki

Do you enjoy funny videos? Do you have terrible taste in music?  Well then you’ll love this video!  Also, just please watch it. I need the page views for a class.

Thanks!

Oh and hi btw

Does this picture frame make me look like a fat whore?

The drudgery associated with a 9-5 job burdens an individual with many things (high blood pressure, a strict 10pm bedtime, an increased risk of congestive heart failure, etc…) but one aspect of corporate slavery that I LOVE is judging coworkers based on the various pictures, trinkets and gewgaws that crowd their desks.  Let me explain:

For most of us the American office is a stale, artificial place populated by buzzing workhorses stuffed into their polyester pantsuits or pleated chinos.  Stuck behind desks –constructed with particle board and the sweat of a 12 year old Filipino girl—we bury ourselves in work, trying not to suffocate from cheap ties and stale air. Cultivating substantive personal relationships in such a harried, synthetic environment is a task most of us choose not to undertake.  So, we line our desks with things. Things that say to the world “I exist outside of these three cubicle walls, and here’s a photo of my Grandmother to prove it!” An efficient solution to the otherwise nauseating task of actually getting to know the people you work with.  Whether we realize it or not, the photos and tchotchkes we choose to display are laden with meaning.  Meaning that I zealously dissect somewhere between my first bagel and last email of the day, so enjoy the fruits of my work-time procrastination!

What your office says about you:

• The potted fern on Lisa’s desk, though intended to relate her fondness for nature, actually says ”my nether regions are awash with wiry, untamed pubic hairs”
• The owner of the cubicle two rows over, the one that looks like a shelf from your local perfumery –littered with candles and fragrant spritzers –is clearly saying “I plan to fart…a lot”
• That desk and trashcan filled with empty cans of Caffeine/Taurine/Ginseng packed energy drinks is saying “I’m nursing a wicked hangover and a particularly vicious case of psychomotor agitation.”
• How about Teressa in accounting?  The framed pictures of each of her 8 cats delivers a clear communication: Teressa really likes cats, and she’s probably had a yeast infection for the past 5 years.
• Hank’s artfully arranged books that are unrelated to his professional work screams: “I don’t read and am deeply insecure about it!”
• And the guy that’s worked here for 10 years and still has a completely barren desktop, you should tell him his psychopath is showing.

Zac Efron Naked!

This post doesn’t actually have anything to do with the effeminate Disney darling’s naked derriere but I figure it’ll drive a hell of a lot of traffic.  Besides, I have it on good authority that Zac’s got a particularly vicious case of Micropenis*.

No, the real impetuous for this post is Formspring. I finally broke down and got one. But as Katie’s discovered, its really only fun if people, ya know, actually ask you questions.  So my dear readers, ask away!

*I do not have this on  good authority. I am in fact a complete liar who enjoys making potentially libelous claims over the internet.

JK, one more thing

When your former editor in chief (I was in the Conde Nast Internship program during 2007 as a Jane editorial intern – yep, when Jane folded) “spends much of her day in her nightgown, communicating … almost entirely via instant messages” what do you have to aspire to?

via NYT article on Brandon Holley, who I kind of resented for not being Jane Pratt but was a very nice woman.

note: look forward to a long, rambling entry on the end of my six-year long internship era coming next week

SFBG vs SF Weekly

One last thing: read this article on the decades-old war between the SFBG and the SF Weekly. It’s long but really interesting and definitely worth the read, regardless of what paper you support (I interned at the SFBG in college so I am kind of biased).

Foursquare

Ah, the good old days, where my only social networking concern was how not to get picked last for games because I was so short.

San Franciscans are obsessed with Foursquare, the location based network that basically turns your life into a virtual reality game. Thanks to SXSW, Foursquare is catching on everywhere: the site added “almost 100,000 users” in the past 10 days. The service was practically custom designed for me, but I still refuse to use it. Lately, though, I’ve been re-thinking. So I thought I’d make a pros and cons list and you guys could help me out.

Pros:

• I like games.
• I am very competitive.
• I like to eat at restaurants/hang out at cafes/drink at bars.
• I like games that foster my competitiveness that don’t require a lot of excessive athletic activity (board games, word games, arguing, etc).
• Extra points if those games also involve eating.
• I like social networking sites.

Cons:

• I am extremely competitive.
• CNN has a list of “how to be cool and uncool” on foursquare. I fear that once I got invested in the game I would pretty much do all of the uncool things on there.
• I would also probably start verbally and physically harassing people around me in order to get the next badge or whatever (not really sure how the site works, because I’m too scared to check it out and want to join) at my favorite sandwich shop.
• I’m already way too connected all of the time! I don’t need to make my non-Internet time into some sort of Second Life game.
• Everyone I know that talks/tweets about using Foursquare is really annoying.

Conclusion: If I join Foursquare, I will end up friendless (at least in the IRL sense) and possibly in jail for battery assault.

“i’m 90% sure i am a piece of dried fruit.”

The Village Voice wrote some free verse poetry based on Tiger Wood’s Sexts. It reminded me of something my friend Lily wrote for a Berkeley poetry class that is comprised solely of quotes from our epic Facebook wall to wall. Um, without the sexual references. Click on to read her masterpiece.

Ask

I forgot that I had a formspring. The only questions I’ve answered are from the website and aren’t very interesting. Someone ask me things??

(Don’t worry Corey, this isn’t my post for the day)

At least there isn’t a mountain dew reduction

I can only assume it’s a product of my redneck lineage but my love of buffalo wings is SO intense I fear that it might one day eclipse my passion for chili cheese fries. Clearly I know a thing or two about trailer trash food, so enjoy the fruits of my trans-fat-ridden-labor.

I made buffalo chicken wings (with two different sauces) green beans with garlic and caramelized onions, and spicy basil oven fries.

Buffalo Strips

• 1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into strips
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 2 teaspoons chili garlic sauce
• 2 tablespoons Frank’s Red Hot
• 1 cup low fat buttermilk
• 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
• 1 1/2 cups whole wheat panko crumbs
• 8 tablespoons whole wheat flour
• 1 1/2 teaspoons smoked paprika
• 1 teaspoon cayenne
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
• Cooking spray (olive or canola oil)
• 1/4 cup Frank’s Red Hot

Preparation

1. Whisk together buttermilk, chili-garlic sauce, Frank’s, buttermilk, vinegar and salt.  Add chicken and marinate overnight.
2. Preheat oven to 450 degrees.  Spray wire rack with cooking spray.
3. Combine panko, flour, paprika, cayenne and salt in a large bowl.

1. Dredge chicken in flour mixture, shake of access and place on wire rack.  Repeat with all chicken  pieces.
2. Spray chicken breasts with cooking spray, making sure to hit all parts of the chicken.
3. Cook for 10 minutes.  Take out, turn chicken pieces over, spray again, and return to oven for another 5 minutes, or until all pieces are golden brown and chicken reaches 155 degrees.

1. Meanwhile, in a small food processor add ingredients for gorgonzola dip.  Process until smooth.
2. When chicken strips are done, with a pastry brush, brush strips with Frank’s Red Hot.  Serve with gorgonzola sauce and carrot and celery sticks

Alternative Titles for this post:

Indian Trail, NC: a bastion of low-brow cuisine

I need a touch-up, my roots are showing

Fat: wanna fight about it?

“Anyone who is anyone is at Barbra’s on the weekends”

I went to a murder mystery party tonight. Unfortunately I was not the murderer, but I was Barbara D’Hussie (GET IT?? All the names were really bad puns), socialite daughter of a wealthy perfumer who I killed by sneaking cyanide into some perfume he was testing (so I guess I was a murderer, just not the murderer in question). I’m in a food coma from eating way too much brie, french onion soup, and chocolate espresso pots de creme (it was French WWII themed – don’t ask, but made for a delicious potluck experience) and thought I’d post a list of my favorite mystery/crime novels:

1. Best Children’s Mystery: The Egypt Game by Zilpha Keatley Snyder. Used to scare the shit out of me as a child. Probably still would now.

2. Best Gothic Horror Novel Mystery Masquerading as a Children’s Book: We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson. Likewise used to scare the shit out of me, although more of a psychological thriller. Do NOT know why this would ever be in the children’s section. SO GOOD.

3. Hippest Mystery: The Secret History by Donna Tartt. One of my favorite books. I am calling it hippest mystery just because it is about sexy liberal arts college students who do too many drugs and have lots of secret sex with each other. It is so excellent. If I was really going for hippest mystery, I’d go for The Mysterious Case of the Dog in the Nighttime or whatever that book is called. People looove to love that book but I didn’t care for it. I am too ambivalent about it to even google the correct title.

4. My Favorite Classic Crime Novel: In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. Duh.

5. Best Dreamlike Fantasy Mystery: Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of the World by Haruki Murakami. All of Murkami’s books are more or less mysteries, but I chose this one for the awesome chapter-based mind games. That makes no sense, but I don’t want to give too much away – just read it.

6. My Favorite Classic Mystery: And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie. My favorite of all of her novels, I think. it’s been awhile.

I haven’t read a good mystery in so long. Any suggestions?? I am going to fall asleep now.